whew. I think this thing is a little dusty.
we had another baby. if you don't follow along on instagram, surprise!
a little about the pregnancy:
It was my worst pregnancy yet.
let me back up.
Last June, I sneezed and ruptured what turned out to be an ovarian cyst. I phoned my ob's office to discuss the pain I was feeling, and also mentioned the pain that I was still having after Elsie's delivery. I described how she cracked my pelvis, and was told that it was definitely not normal to be still feeling that kind of bone pain two and a half years after delivery. They mentioned that I might be unable to carry a third child. Cue the tears. After several discussions with my doctor, he determined that I could carry a baby, but my body would not be able to sustain the pregnancy past 38 weeks. It was difficult to decide to proceed with a third pregnancy, knowing the amount of pain I would have, but being told I might only get the two children I already had made me realize how much I really wanted one more baby.
I took two cycles to heal from the ruptured cyst, and then took a pregnancy test. It was negative- something I'd never had before. Later that night I was sobbing for an hour and a half over anne of green gables, of all things- all I could choke out was 'puffed sleeves!' - and I felt crazy. If I wasn't pregnant, then I was just nuts.
a week later I still hadn't gotten my period, so I took another test.
I remember closing my eyes and bracing myself for the pain that I knew would start in a few weeks.
At twenty four weeks, I crawled into my doctor's office for a checkup. And I mean crawled. I grabbed at the wall with one hand, hunched over, and slooowly and carefully placed my steps so I wouldn't fall. I cried through that whole appointment. I felt like I was drowning in pain. I went to sleep at night crying because everything hurt, and woke up crying because I knew I had to do it all over again. I left the appointment with a prescription for some pain medication, instructions to purchase a walker/wheelchair & to stay laying down and off my feet. My doctor assured me that we would get this baby out at 37 weeks.
I went four places for the remainder of my pregnancy- one hour of church on Sundays, preschool drop off 3x a week, my ob's office, and my physical/massage therapist's office. I remember telling my mom that I was so damn sick of laying on the same damn couch all day long. She laughed, but understood that it was getting bad if I was swearing about it! Thankfully I had a few friends who would let me come hang out on their couches for awhile. I also had to swallow my pride and let friends come clean my house every week, and bring meals in. I get choked up every time I think of all of the people-angels- who helped carry my burden during these long months. I have never felt such pure love before. It is such an awful feeling, sitting and watching your ability to use your body slip away. I felt like I was trapped, living in someone else's body, unable to do any of the things I wanted or needed to do. And man. I'm so grateful for a husband who doesn't think twice about helping his wife to the bathroom, carrying her up the stairs, or rubbing her back at two a.m.
I ordered my groceries online and had them delivered. Once I went to Target & Sam's Club to get out of the house, and rode on one of those riding carts my grandma uses. It wasn't worth the pain that sitting upright caused, but it was still nice to get out for a half hour.
we had lots of ultrasounds, which was a bright spot I always looked forward to. We didn't want to know the gender this time, and it was kind of surprising that with all the ultrasounds, no one slipped up and told us!
at 36 weeks, I received two rounds of steroid shots for the baby's lungs, 24 hours apart. Right in the rump. Those hurt like the devil. The fluid was thick and had to be administered verrry slowly. The second day, I wised up, and brought an ice pack to sit on after. I sat in my car until I stopped crying enough to drive. At 36 weeks, 5 days (a friday), I had an amniocentesis done to check the development of baby's lungs. We didn't want to deliver and then have baby in the nicu on oxygen. One of the nurses who administered my steroid shot warned me that my uterus would burn after this procedure and I would need someone to drive me home. Thankfully my mom arrived early that morning and could come with me. It was so nice to be able to squeeze her hand and have her give me courage. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was monitored for awhile after and had a non stress test to make sure everything still looked okay. The plan was to go into the hospital at noon on Sunday (36 weeks, 6 days) for induction, pending the test results of the amnio.
On Saturday evening, I spoke with my doctor. He told me the results of the test were "indeterminate", and while he could run a more accurate test on the fluid from the amnio, he'd rather play it safe and wait a full week for delivery. I hung up the phone and just sobbed. I couldn't look my mother or Travis in the face, because I didn't want to see the pity in their eyes. I was so tired of fighting my body every single day. I had forgotten what it felt like to not feel pain. I was looking forward to delivery in less than twenty four hours, and now I had to endure another week. Typing it out, a week doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was monumental to me. I can't describe how heavy the pain felt.
I declared it was "Treat yo'self Week 2016". I went to the movie theater and enjoyed the fancy relining seats. I ate cake for breakfast, and napped every afternoon. I laid on the couch and my mom made me meals and snacks. I did a lot of online shopping. I cried a lot, and ate a lot of ice cream.
I thought the pain was bad before, but Tuesday of that week it slammed me over and over. Baby had a growth spurt and my bones could barely hold themselves together. I saw what my doctor had meant last summer- I certainly would not be able to carry this baby much longer.
Finally Sunday- Mother's Day - rolled around. I went to one hour of church and watched my boy sing the mother's day songs. I talked to my brother in Korea when he called. I twiddled my thumbs and thought about how great it would feel to not be pregnant and in pain. We kissed our babies goodbye and drove to the hospital.