10.30.2012

mama guilt

deciding to have this baby was a lot scarier than the last time.
we knew it was the right time for our family, but it felt an awful lot like plugging my nose and jumping into freezing cold water. This time around, I knew exactly what it would be for my body.
Being pregnant is really tough on me- not just the first trimester. 
I am aware that some women have it 100 times tougher,
and others struggling to conceive would do anything for the chance,
and I am trying to have a positive attitude about it anyway. Bring on the shingles baby!
(just kidding. maybe we can skip that one this time?)
 But I also want to be honest.

Photobucket

The hardest part this time around was feeling like I've been a neglectful mama these last few months. 
Most days I wasn't able to peel myself off the couch (or the bathroom floor) for more than a few moments at a time. 
Luke wants to read books? He has to bring them to the couch. 
He needs help putting a sock back on? To the couch.

It just broke my heart when he brought his shoes into the bathroom, and says, "two. shoes. go!? ousside. shoes. go, mama?" Instead, we've watched so many episodes of Sesame Street, I think we both have them memorized. We've eaten frozen lasagnas or grilled cheese for dinner. And lunch.
(also quesadillas. which as basically the same thing as grilled cheese, if you think about it)
My floors? Not mopped. 
My bathrooms? Never cleaned on the same day anymore (which drives me CRAZY).
In "real life", I vacuum once a day. Luke still brings the vacuum out of the closet for me to remind me, so at least that gets done. Usually.
I learned I can grocery shop, OR cook a meal, OR do laundry, OR clean one room.
And then I need a recovery day after on the couch.

Thankfully, I have a husband who is willing to pick up all my slack without missing a beat.
Cook, clean, bathe the boy, bring me midnight glasses of ginger ale- whatever I need.
He also gives the best pep talks. So when I am sobbing to him about how sorry I am for being a lousy wife and mother lately, he reminds me that I'm not.

And my little boy? He is the sweetest thing ever. He is always sensitive to other people's feelings.
(remember when I was crying about HIS surgery, and he got HIS lovey to wipe MYtears?)
He will come and rub my hair or tickle my back when he notices me laying in the bathroom.

And amazingly, my body, while I feel like I'm falling apart, is GROWING A HUMAN CHILD.
Without even using my hands.
And that rocks.
I'm so grateful that I have the blessed opportunity to bring another beautiful, healthy baby into our family.
And I'm grateful I've got my boys to help me get through it.
(and let's be really honest. I'd do anything for another face that looks like that little guy above)

5 comments:

  1. i hope this pregnancy is a lot easier on you this time! i think when i am pregnant i will freak out every day that a child is growing inside of me, holy cow!

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  2. hoping things getting easier for you girlie. such a sweet little boy you have!

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  3. You are so great. I know you're a great momma because you're doing these amazingly hard things for your family, not just for yourself!

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  4. If only I lived closer! I could help with the cleaning and Uncle Aaron could do the entertaining!
    Hang in there angel. Keep your eye on the prize!!!

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  5. I totally know what you mean and it's one of the many, many reasons I'm done having kids. However, My kids survived my horrible pregnancies and they are happier for it because they love their siblings. I only got shingles with one pregnancy, so I'm crossing my fingers for you!

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